FOR SALE: U.S. Congress to any lobbyist offering international trips, golf outings, box seats at ball games, golf clubs, tickets to a movie or membership in the YMCA, special consideration to any lobbyist who will hire a Congress member’s spouse. Call the U.S. Congress after 8:00 P.M.
FOR SALE: U.S. democratic ideals. Buyers must be willing to gerrymander congressional districts in order to insure our continued dominance. We expect this work to require several decades to acheive our goals.
FOR SALE: U.S. workers security. Buyers must be willing to hold employees in contempt, ignore safety laws, oppose any increase in minimum wages, fire workers who attempt to organize a union, close factories in America and reopen off shore, use the employee pension funds like a personal checking account.
LEASE OPPORTUNITY: American highways, toll roads and rail tracks, long term lease required as we don’t want to be alive when the lease expires.
FOR SALE: United States Port operations, seller will provide CYA to controversial foreign buyers. Purchase offers will undergo careless scrutiny. No background check necessary.
FOR SALE: U.S. Forest Timber resources. Environmental concerns will be cast aside and buyers will be encouraged to harvest every last living thing on the acreage they purchase.
FOR SALE: Nuclear fuel technology to any nation that can afford our price. Also, we have a storage facility in the state of Nevada for your spent fuel cell rods.
FOR SALE: American analog wavelengths. Along with that we expect to offer miscellaneous disinformation to bidders who will use their newly acquired broadcasting channels and stations to confuse and confound the American public.
FOR SALE: American civil liberties. Buyer must convince Americans they want to give up their liberties for a good cause. We are especially interested in working with companies whose field of expertise includes spying on private citizens.
FOR SALE: A child’s opportunity to be reasonably certain their conception was desired. Along with that we will sell the right for children to be nurtured and cared for by a loving foster family. Buyers must be willing to use guilt, unworthiness, and condemnation to achieve our goals. Gays and lesbians need not apply.
We also expect to offer an original version of the Golden Rule. Due to our neglect this object will need extensive work to restore it to its once exhalted status.
All offers seriously considered, especially those from Foreign governments.
SALE will begin election day, 1988, and conclude when everything valuable has been sold or leased.
NO earlybirds.
